This guy is my TOTAL best friend! We love the same music, food, t.v. shows, movies, everything. It's like we connect in the most freakiest, but telekinetic way. What I mean is, by the way we think and feel. The words we write down on paper come together like magic. It's pretty amazing. His poetry always brings tears to my eyes. No one ever understands what he says in his poetry. All they care about are the "easy to memorize" lyrics and danceable beats. They wouldn't even devote a nano second to care what he has to say. The strong meanings his words have behind them blow me away. He felt the same way when he read one of my masterpieces. It's funny how two people who never met, have the strongest connection ever.
Yes, he makes mistakes; and yes, he gets me frustrated sometimes. But, even if I get mad at him sometimes, I still love and care about him. He's always seemed like the happy-go-lucky type. You know, like the type that are always smiling ALL THE TIME! But he really isn't. From the VERY beginning he's always said, "I'm doin' what I love and I'm havin' a great time." That's what I would constantly believe in the past. Now I don't even know what to believe. I mean, even if people say that he sucks or think he's the happiest person in the world; the real truth about him would either make us or break us. Not too long ago, I found out something out that I really wasn't supposed to know. Honestly, listening to this conversation, made me view things in a different perspective.
I wasn't eavesdropping on the conversation, I was just on hold. My best friend, the most greatest guy I know, puts pain on himself. Hearing this news cut open my chest, ripped out my heart, crushed it into pieces, sewed it back together, stuffed it back into my chest, and suffocated the life out of my soul. And just because my heart is back where it belongs, I can still feel the huge black hole taking it over day after day. It's eating me up inside and I can't live with it forever. I've sworn myself to secrecy and strongly pledged to take this secret to my grave. I'm always scared to look at his face because his eyes never smile anymore. They used to be filled with happiness and joy, but were replaced with pain and torture. Also, I can never believe a smile. I've always known that something bad was going to happen, but I never imagined this.
This wasn't the first time he mutilated himself. The thoughts that were carved into his mind were that nobody cared and that didn't want to wake up the next morning. I'm scared every single day of my life, always praying for him. I swear on my grave that if anything ever happened to him, I don't know what I'd do. I know exactly how he feels. I get every single "B-day" at school. That feeling your left with, the feeling that nobody cares, you don't fit in with everyone else, having people laugh at you thinking that you have no feelings, that you're just the person that sits in the lonely corner of the classroom crying while everyone lives life like a huge party. I know how it feels to be neglected and mentally abused so much that you want to kill yourself. I've had the thoughts, he had the thoughts, we both had the thoughts! I'll tell you the last time I cried, there were scissors sitting right there on my dresser, I knew at that moment that I could have cut myself at any time, but I didn't. I was thinking about getting up and doing it, too! But I didn't, you know why. 'Cause I thought about what my best "guy" friend would react to his BIGGEST FAN committing suicide.
I'm glad that my friend is still lives and breathes. I just wish things would get better for him. Although you can barely see the scar on his arm, I still worry about him. But, with every passing day, I'm glad God's shining light is helping him and making everything seem better. I thank God everyday my friend is alive. And even if my friend feels lost in this city, in this lonely universe, lost deep, down in his soul at times; I just feel like things are going to get better an better. One "Beautiful Soul" at a time. LOL. X3
